August 17th - Balefire?

I made the suicide method of this post "Balefire". Rather than go in depth into what it is, I've taken the liberty of copy pasting the Wikipedia.org quote;

"It has only one known weave, and when evoked, summons a blindingly bright beam of "liquid light" that is capable of destroying nearly every known substance. The real danger of balefire, however, is that it can undo (or erase) the past actions of anyone it hits: for instance, Rahvin, a Forsaken, killed several characters but was later balefired by Rand al'Thor. "After", the slain characters' deaths were undone and they were later found alive, with only vague memories of their deaths."

So its a magic power, from a fantasy novel, that literally "undoes" ones being, and erases any trace that they've had on anyone, anything or anywhere. I figure that's a terrible way to go.

My ex is over. The one that hurts, the one that stabs at the core of my being, the one that can hurt me with the slightest whim. Not purposeful or malicious, she's a puppy made of razor blades...so it goes.

I just left our mini-courtyard "I'm gettin the spins, I think I'm going to tap out, a little spinny, you know what its like" and I faux stagger out of the courtyard. At this point I would like to stumble in front of a bus, or possibly an armored car that is somehow barreling down my tiny chunk of street attempting to escape invisible robbers, when it hits me full force, and windshield wipers me onto the pavement without a blink.

She's been texting back and forth lately with someone a lot. I spent a long time preparing myself for when she'd meet someone else, someone real. Beating myself around the psyche with that image, her happy with someone absolutely deserving was a cross that I dragged around...for many many months.

I had the conversation with a friend a while back. As much as the potential of running into an ex who's hooked up with someone else really quick is a terrible thing to deal with, the opposite is much worse. At least an ex that finds someone easily, will most likely be quick to leave that person, or for that matter take people in more easily. My ex on the other hand...I know that the day I see her being even remotely serious with anyone..it'll be someone amazing. Someone that even I can't help but like. The closer this comes to being a reality...the more I think about jumping continents when that time comes.

Just run, there's something somewhat pure about that. Start over somewhere else, where I could never run into her. No more reminders to slap me around. Or I could just find that armored car I was talking about earlier.

You know, I'm dating 2 gorgeous women. Realistically I have nothing to complain about, but they don't compare. It's hilarious really.

I got invited out to dinner by a girl I chased for a bit, who then moved to toronto. She's since come back here, and fallen in love with a guy here. If I felt more for her, I would be incensed. Alas, I can't feel anything but sympathy, because those falls are the deepest.

I still haven't recovered from mine, and frankly don't know that I ever will...and that frightens me to my core. I find myself contemplating the "Eternal Sunshine" dilemna most of the time; If you could erase all your memories of a given person from your brain, would you? Would it benefit you?

The more time passes that I'm NOT over her, or that a tiny part of me still holds on...the more I agree. I guess we'll see.

I'm off topic. How would I have killed myself this night?

I'm going to attempt to quit smoking tomorrow, its the first attempt in a long time. As much as I'll miss cigarettes, its the "lone" smokes that I love. Leaving a group of people, to smoke on your own. So free! So clean...nothing beats it. 5 minutes, between you and an inanimate consumable object. Just plain glorious.

So; I'd get up from our faded, sun baked patio furniture. My lone last cigarette in my ear, pencil style. 2 Friends are saying their goodbye's, so nobody notices me go. I have a glass of wine that's threatening to spill on me any moment, but only the coroner will see the stains, so I'm sloppy. I walk down our Ivy ensconced alley, cigarette not lit quite yet (I want to save it).

I take in the sky while I walk, tiny tufts of fluffy clouds, balance an otherwise deep blue star studded sky. I'll stumble numerous times in ignorance of the ground while I fixedly stare above. My goal is a busy-ish street. Busy enough to have buses, that are moving quickly. I'll find a bus stop, get the soonest bus time, and start walking to the earlier stop. When I know the bus should be coming soon, I'll light the smoke.

I keep walking, sidewalk ribs making me stumble, red wine staining my jeans. I'll be thinking about her invariably. Possibly tears making tracks down my summer dry skin. I'll pull up my hoodie to be less obvious, and hope that no overly ambitious police decide to come take my wine glass.

Finally, bright headlights in teh distance. Set too far apart to be a car or a truck or any domestic vehicle. I can see the bus stop at its previous stop, I turn around to walk in the same direction as it. As it closes in on me, I do a hop towards it, and I"m crushed like a lightbulb.