I made the suicide method of this post "Balefire". Rather than go in depth into what it is, I've taken the liberty of copy pasting the Wikipedia.org quote;
"It has only one known weave, and when evoked, summons a blindingly bright beam of "liquid light" that is capable of destroying nearly every known substance. The real danger of balefire, however, is that it can undo (or erase) the past actions of anyone it hits: for instance, Rahvin, a Forsaken, killed several characters but was later balefired by Rand al'Thor. "After", the slain characters' deaths were undone and they were later found alive, with only vague memories of their deaths."
So its a magic power, from a fantasy novel, that literally "undoes" ones being, and erases any trace that they've had on anyone, anything or anywhere. I figure that's a terrible way to go.
My ex is over. The one that hurts, the one that stabs at the core of my being, the one that can hurt me with the slightest whim. Not purposeful or malicious, she's a puppy made of razor blades...so it goes.
I just left our mini-courtyard "I'm gettin the spins, I think I'm going to tap out, a little spinny, you know what its like" and I faux stagger out of the courtyard. At this point I would like to stumble in front of a bus, or possibly an armored car that is somehow barreling down my tiny chunk of street attempting to escape invisible robbers, when it hits me full force, and windshield wipers me onto the pavement without a blink.
She's been texting back and forth lately with someone a lot. I spent a long time preparing myself for when she'd meet someone else, someone real. Beating myself around the psyche with that image, her happy with someone absolutely deserving was a cross that I dragged around...for many many months.
I had the conversation with a friend a while back. As much as the potential of running into an ex who's hooked up with someone else really quick is a terrible thing to deal with, the opposite is much worse. At least an ex that finds someone easily, will most likely be quick to leave that person, or for that matter take people in more easily. My ex on the other hand...I know that the day I see her being even remotely serious with anyone..it'll be someone amazing. Someone that even I can't help but like. The closer this comes to being a reality...the more I think about jumping continents when that time comes.
Just run, there's something somewhat pure about that. Start over somewhere else, where I could never run into her. No more reminders to slap me around. Or I could just find that armored car I was talking about earlier.
You know, I'm dating 2 gorgeous women. Realistically I have nothing to complain about, but they don't compare. It's hilarious really.
I got invited out to dinner by a girl I chased for a bit, who then moved to toronto. She's since come back here, and fallen in love with a guy here. If I felt more for her, I would be incensed. Alas, I can't feel anything but sympathy, because those falls are the deepest.
I still haven't recovered from mine, and frankly don't know that I ever will...and that frightens me to my core. I find myself contemplating the "Eternal Sunshine" dilemna most of the time; If you could erase all your memories of a given person from your brain, would you? Would it benefit you?
The more time passes that I'm NOT over her, or that a tiny part of me still holds on...the more I agree. I guess we'll see.
I'm off topic. How would I have killed myself this night?
I'm going to attempt to quit smoking tomorrow, its the first attempt in a long time. As much as I'll miss cigarettes, its the "lone" smokes that I love. Leaving a group of people, to smoke on your own. So free! So clean...nothing beats it. 5 minutes, between you and an inanimate consumable object. Just plain glorious.
So; I'd get up from our faded, sun baked patio furniture. My lone last cigarette in my ear, pencil style. 2 Friends are saying their goodbye's, so nobody notices me go. I have a glass of wine that's threatening to spill on me any moment, but only the coroner will see the stains, so I'm sloppy. I walk down our Ivy ensconced alley, cigarette not lit quite yet (I want to save it).
I take in the sky while I walk, tiny tufts of fluffy clouds, balance an otherwise deep blue star studded sky. I'll stumble numerous times in ignorance of the ground while I fixedly stare above. My goal is a busy-ish street. Busy enough to have buses, that are moving quickly. I'll find a bus stop, get the soonest bus time, and start walking to the earlier stop. When I know the bus should be coming soon, I'll light the smoke.
I keep walking, sidewalk ribs making me stumble, red wine staining my jeans. I'll be thinking about her invariably. Possibly tears making tracks down my summer dry skin. I'll pull up my hoodie to be less obvious, and hope that no overly ambitious police decide to come take my wine glass.
Finally, bright headlights in teh distance. Set too far apart to be a car or a truck or any domestic vehicle. I can see the bus stop at its previous stop, I turn around to walk in the same direction as it. As it closes in on me, I do a hop towards it, and I"m crushed like a lightbulb.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
August 15th - Uppers
Its 12:59am and I can't sleep. Maybe its the proper chai tea (proper = 2/3 cup milk, 1/3 cup water in a saucepan with the teabag, and some honey) I had less than an hour ago, or maybe it was seeing that ex while she was hanging out with my roommate. As much as I'd like to point towards the caffeinated beverage, the images of her that dance behind my eyelids as soon as I try sleeping, beg to differ.
On this night, I would get dressed. Sharp but not too sharp. The nights a bit nippy, so maybe throw on the wool overcoat, not so much for appearances, but for the comfort and extra pockets.
I will set out into a night that is only beginning. The smoky blue sky my ceiling, the streetlamps a tacky bordering job. I will seek out E or Speed or Coke, something fast, something deadly, something that'll do me in, but let me go out searing with life.
I don't know where to find these things, but I'm sure that with enough walking, and a general idea of seedier areas will get results. I'll walk 'till dawn if need be. I have work tomorrow, but its a one way trip that doesn't end at the rat race.
I'll pick a sentimental spot, ideally one that I remember that she's forgotten. Maybe in front of her old apartment, or even her older apartment. The housing of a summer so full of love, that it still seeps unwanted from me at times.
I'll take a seat on the curb, and take a dose. It'll take time to have an effect, so I'll do a couple circles. Visit the emotional wounds that are draped over pedestrian city landmarks. Some obvious, some not so much.
The depanneur where I used to pick up her favorite candy before I went to see her, or the pharmacy where we bought protection the night that we both sheepishly realised neither one of us was that prepared. Maybe I'll stop at home, and grab the letter I wrote her. Bring it with me to a bar, and sit in the back with sunglasses blasting my distaste for personal interaction at this moment.
The drugs will start to kick in, and I'll become more firm in my want for an end. More firm in vindicating my momentary view that sometimes loving and losing is only losing. Since they've just kicked in I'll pop another double dose. This way I'm sure that I've set an hour long egg timer on my life.
As much as I'd like to end this trip at an aforementioned nostalgic destination, I could never bear the guilt, even in this the most selfish of actions, of leaving my carcass anywhere that could lead to her feeling responsible.
I pick a non-descript alley, the longer and darker and more dumpster filled the better. My grip on reality is beginning to slip. TV static creeping in at the edges. She's a picture that won't fade, so I will. I tip into a dumpster as I go.
On this night, I would get dressed. Sharp but not too sharp. The nights a bit nippy, so maybe throw on the wool overcoat, not so much for appearances, but for the comfort and extra pockets.
I will set out into a night that is only beginning. The smoky blue sky my ceiling, the streetlamps a tacky bordering job. I will seek out E or Speed or Coke, something fast, something deadly, something that'll do me in, but let me go out searing with life.
I don't know where to find these things, but I'm sure that with enough walking, and a general idea of seedier areas will get results. I'll walk 'till dawn if need be. I have work tomorrow, but its a one way trip that doesn't end at the rat race.
I'll pick a sentimental spot, ideally one that I remember that she's forgotten. Maybe in front of her old apartment, or even her older apartment. The housing of a summer so full of love, that it still seeps unwanted from me at times.
I'll take a seat on the curb, and take a dose. It'll take time to have an effect, so I'll do a couple circles. Visit the emotional wounds that are draped over pedestrian city landmarks. Some obvious, some not so much.
The depanneur where I used to pick up her favorite candy before I went to see her, or the pharmacy where we bought protection the night that we both sheepishly realised neither one of us was that prepared. Maybe I'll stop at home, and grab the letter I wrote her. Bring it with me to a bar, and sit in the back with sunglasses blasting my distaste for personal interaction at this moment.
The drugs will start to kick in, and I'll become more firm in my want for an end. More firm in vindicating my momentary view that sometimes loving and losing is only losing. Since they've just kicked in I'll pop another double dose. This way I'm sure that I've set an hour long egg timer on my life.
As much as I'd like to end this trip at an aforementioned nostalgic destination, I could never bear the guilt, even in this the most selfish of actions, of leaving my carcass anywhere that could lead to her feeling responsible.
I pick a non-descript alley, the longer and darker and more dumpster filled the better. My grip on reality is beginning to slip. TV static creeping in at the edges. She's a picture that won't fade, so I will. I tip into a dumpster as I go.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Aug 13th - Lie
Pangs for the woman continue unabated, I take my lunch outside and go read a bit more of Alice in Wonderland up on a nearby university campus. The sun bakes my hide, bleaching my exposed tattoos, but doing nothing for the pangs. I have a coffee cup from work, a pack of cigarettes, a zippo, my keycard and the book.
The sun beats down so fiercely that I need my sunglasses, but I turn on my stomach every so often. The pangs hold me down and beat as hard as the sun on my internal flesh. It tires me, it drains me, its practically pushing me into the ground.
On this day, I stay in this spot, until my coffee is finished. I stay until my cigarettes are finished. I stay until the sun goes down and comes up again. The grass is slowly dying beneath me. Quizzical students are wondering if I've just been sitting there for 3 days, I don't correct them, because I have. On the third day, my mouth is dry cardboard, my heart is barely throbbing. The pangs have almost no purchase on me, as I am almost nothing left to purchase on.
On the fourth day, no food no water except for coffee 3 days prior. I'm dehydrated and on the verge of death. A groundskeeper will realize my state, and try to give me water. I will spit it out. I die slowly, but at the least, as my last consciousness fades, I feel the pangs fade to, and I am happy for a fleeting moment before the light fades, inside and out.
The sun beats down so fiercely that I need my sunglasses, but I turn on my stomach every so often. The pangs hold me down and beat as hard as the sun on my internal flesh. It tires me, it drains me, its practically pushing me into the ground.
On this day, I stay in this spot, until my coffee is finished. I stay until my cigarettes are finished. I stay until the sun goes down and comes up again. The grass is slowly dying beneath me. Quizzical students are wondering if I've just been sitting there for 3 days, I don't correct them, because I have. On the third day, my mouth is dry cardboard, my heart is barely throbbing. The pangs have almost no purchase on me, as I am almost nothing left to purchase on.
On the fourth day, no food no water except for coffee 3 days prior. I'm dehydrated and on the verge of death. A groundskeeper will realize my state, and try to give me water. I will spit it out. I die slowly, but at the least, as my last consciousness fades, I feel the pangs fade to, and I am happy for a fleeting moment before the light fades, inside and out.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Aug 12th - Shotgun
Today, mid-afternoon while I'm working I get a text message from a date canceling for tonight. This in and of itself is not a big deal. The lack of a reaction on my part made my mind tangent its way all the way into thoughts of a woman that does still call me pain.
Walking home I wore a black hoodie and sunglasses, I wanted to wear the hood up and simply dissappear...but the heat was too much and I had to walk home exposed. I listened to upbeat rock generally, trying to push me forward channel the down into a "lots of work to do power through...blah blah blah". It wasn't working.
I take a sidestreet, find a run down park, in a part of town where there aren't too many kids walking by. I pull out a shotgun that I do not own, and did not have in my bag. Its double barelled, and glints in the sun. I load it, do that oh so phallic thing that arms it, and I kneel.
I pull the trigger once, and I dissappear completely. Pink myst sprays an ivy covered wall, and my body topples.
Walking home I wore a black hoodie and sunglasses, I wanted to wear the hood up and simply dissappear...but the heat was too much and I had to walk home exposed. I listened to upbeat rock generally, trying to push me forward channel the down into a "lots of work to do power through...blah blah blah". It wasn't working.
I take a sidestreet, find a run down park, in a part of town where there aren't too many kids walking by. I pull out a shotgun that I do not own, and did not have in my bag. Its double barelled, and glints in the sun. I load it, do that oh so phallic thing that arms it, and I kneel.
I pull the trigger once, and I dissappear completely. Pink myst sprays an ivy covered wall, and my body topples.
General Form of this Blog
A first out general statement about myself and this blog; I'm never going to kill myself, I'm just to damn curious to see how the world rolls along, if it ends/keeps going/end AND keep going a la apocalypse :D etc.
I will however be writing in this blog about the many ways I would kill myself, on a given day, by a given cause. I Hope that someone who potentially stumbles along can understand that.
I will however be writing in this blog about the many ways I would kill myself, on a given day, by a given cause. I Hope that someone who potentially stumbles along can understand that.
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